The New Edition of Harry Potter: OotP Book V
by unsoundcogitation
Summary: Don't want to spend hours reading the entire book? Get the gist of it here. Warning: characters, events, objects, places and everything else may be a bit distorted. (Revised)
1. Lord Dudleymort

Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books, JK Rowling does. I tried to buy it off of her but she just laughed at me and threw my three dollars into my face. I do love the books though, so I guess they're as much mine as they are everyone else's. The following is just a spoof of the 5th book, The Order of the Phoenix, which I enjoyed reading very much. Please don't get offended, I just had a little fun. You will also notice that all the characters are a little exaggerated or very different from the actual book. Have fun!

**CHAPTER 1: LORD DUDLEYMORT**

Harry: I am bored. I wonder what's happening in the wizarding world. -Clicks remote- What the hell! This thing isn't working.

Window: I'm a window, dumbass.

Harry: I KNOW that.

Window: And that's not a remote you're holding.

Harry: -realizes he is holding a shoe- Oh...

Uncle Vernon: What's all that racket out there? Petunia, I think I hear the window talking!

Petunia: I think that's just the talking window on TV, dear.

Harry: Come on, news program! Come on, tell me if anything weird is going on!

Window: Well there's a talking window on the TV. That's pretty weird.

Harry: There's a talking window in front of me too.

Cat: RAARWRWOROOWRRRR!!

Harry: AAHHH!! FURRY, RUNNING CHICKEN-LEG!!!

Cat: I'm a cat.

Uncle Vernon: WHAT WAS THAT!??!?! -runs outside, sees Harry screaming something about a chicken leg- The boy's gone off the deep end.

Harry: AGGGHHH WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY END?

Vernon: I was just saying you're going bonkers. A little crazy. This might be serious.

Harry: NOOO NOT SIRIUS!!!

Petunia: -walks outside with a flower in a flowerpot- Look at my new Lily! I named it James!

Harry: -freaks out- AGHHHHHH I'VE HAD IT WITH YOUR DISSING MY PARENTS ALL THE TIME. I'M OUT OF HERE! -He runs into the house-

Petunia: That boy is so whack, yo.

Vernon: Yeah, seriously, I don't know anybody weirder than him. Come on Petunia, let's go scrub the folds of my stomach.

Petunia: Really? YAY! -skips inside-

---

Harry: -walks around outside carrying a bunch of bags that say "Victoria's Secret"- I can't believe I lost my Hogwarts trunk. At least Aunt Petunia had a bunch of these spare bags here...who's this Victoria character anyway?

Hedwig: AHH! It smells like owl poop in here!! -Hedwig flaps from inside a Victoria's Secret bag- Oh wait....

Harry: I am so lonely. -sits down on a swing, sings to himself- Hey!! Someone let a pig loose!! -runs toward it, tries to grab the pig, which seems to be resisting and running away- Hey! Someone greased this little pig! Well we'll have a little fun trying to catch it then, won't we?

Pig: I'm Dudley. Your cousin. You twit!!!! -slaps Harry-

Harry: Oh you naughty little pig. -pokes Dursley's stomach- what a fine sow you shall one day become, too!!

Dudley: I swear, when I tell my dad, my mom, and my mom's new lily named James, you'll be a dead man! I can beat you up even though you managed to escape death nearly 4 times and overcame the evil Voldemort in the past 4 years!! I'm stronger than Voldemort! I AM---LORD DUDLEYMORT!! WORSHIP ME.

Harry: You are such a cute pig, I'll call you Billy.

Dudley: Alright, that's it you little----suddenly gets cold and freaky- Oh. My. Dudleymort. Something weird is happening to me!! I think I'm being raped by the wind!!

Harry: -gasp- Dementors!

Dementors: yeah, that's us.

Harry: -pulls out wand, points at Dementors-

Dudley: -laughs because Harry is about to cast a spell at what Dudley thinks is just a strong, angry, evil, life-sucking gust of wind-

Harry: Patro----damn, what's that spell again?

Dudley: Make it shoot out candy rainbows! -Dudley still manages to think about food while he is dying-

Harry: Patronisa Bono! Patronus Backstreet Boy! Patronix Arigato! Patro Benatar! Patro--

Dementors: IT'S EXPECTO PATRONUM, YOU FOOLISH CHILD!!

Harry: Oh, thanks! PATRONUM EXPECTO!!! -because Harry said the spell backwards, a smaller creature comes out--it's a cockroach!-

Cockroach: Hiiieee-yaah! -nibbles at the dementors' robes-

Dementors: Is this going to take long, because we have better things to do.

Cockroach: fear my wrath!!!

Harry: Let's try this again...EXPECTO PATRONUM!!

Stag: -gallops out (or whatever stags do)- Hello!! -accidently steps on the cockroach-

Cockroach: Tell Amelia to avenge my death.....-dies-

Stag: Yeah, okay. Come on dementors, it's time to go.

Dementors: Will you buy us icecream??

Stag: Yeah, sure.

Dementors: Promise???

Dudley: -is hurt- Harry, I bleedy! I bleedy!

Harry: Oh no! Poor Billy is hurt!!

Mrs. Figg: OH NO! Where's that stupid Mundungus?!

Harry: -quickly hides his wand- uhhh hello Mrs. Figg. What a lovely night for a little stroll and a little destroying dementors---uh I mean...

Figg: Harry, I know who you are. But where's bloody Mundungus? He was supposed to be watching you.

Harry: I don't know but I found this cute little piggy! -holds up the bleeding and bruised Dudley-

Figg: WAGH get that thing out of my face! -punches Dudley's face-

Harry: -gasp- You say sorry to my pig, Billy! -presents Dudley once more-

Figg: WAGH! -punches Dudley's face-

Harry: -shakes Dudley at Figg-

Figg: WAGH! -punches Dudley's face-

This continued for quite some time, until Harry decided it was time to take the little piggy home.

Harry: Here Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia. I found this poor little piggy.

Petunia: OH NO! MY DUDLEY!!

Harry: Actually his name is Billy.

Vernon: WHAT DID YOU DO TO DUDLEY, HARRY?

Harry: What? I didn't even see Dudley today.

Vernon: You're lying! You DID see Dudley!! He's right here!

Harry: No, I didn't. I'm not lying.

Vernon: -shakes Dudley at Harry-

Figg: WAGH! -punches Dudley-

Vernon: Who is this lady?

Harry: Mrs. Figg. Neighbor. She was blubbering about somebody named Mundane Gus.

Hedwig: -flies in- Hey Harry, I got something for you. -throws a letter at Harry-

"Dear Harry, you are being tried for misuse use of magic outside Hogwarts. Boo! I hope that scared you. You might even be expelled! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Love,

the Ministry of Magic

XOXO"

Harry: Oh No!

Hedwig: Oh wait, one more thing! -throws a letter at Harry-

"Dear Harry, don't leave your home!! I'm Serious. - Sirius."

Hedwig: Just one more! -throws a letter at Petunia, it lands in her eye-

Petunia: AHHH THAT'S MY SCRUBBING EYE!!!!

Hedwig: -sighs- Alright. It reads "don't let Harry leave."

Petunia: -suddenly gets serious- alright. It shall be my duty from now on.

Harry: Wait--where are those letters coming from?!

Hedwig: An owl never reveals its secrets. Hey Petunia, got any baby powder? My ass itches from shooting out all your letters.

Dudley: -screams and spits out the letter that he had been trying to eat-

Harry: I want to leave....but I don't want to leave my little piggy alone...

Dudley: I AM--LORD DUDLEYMORT. FEAR ME!! ALL WILL TREMBLE IN MY PRESENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry: Aw, it's so cute.

Figg: -punches Dudley-

What will happen next to our courageous hero, Harry Potter? Will he ever learn that there is no pig named Billy? Will Mrs. Figg ever stop punching Dudley? Who is that Mundane Gus guy anyway? Why is Petunia listening to the instructions of a letter that came out of an owl's ass? Why am I asking so many questions? Why can't I stop?!


	2. 12 Grimmo Beach and Just Joking

Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books, JK Rowling does. I tried to buy it off of her but she just laughed at me and threw my three dollars into my face. I do love the books though, so I guess they're as much mine as they are everyone else's. The following is just a spoof of the 5th book, The Order of the Phoenix, which I enjoyed reading very much. Please don't get offended, I just had a little fun. You will also notice that all the characters are a little exaggerated or very different from the actual book. Have fun!

Note: This chapter may be a little bit weird and annoying. Sorry, I ran out of inspiration and I'm feeling a little weird after drinking 218 burning hot cups of Bavarian coffee.

**CHAPTER 2: 12 GRIMMO BEACH and JUST JOKING**

Petunia: Harry, you are not to leave the house while we are gone.

Harry: Uh—where are you going?

Petunia: That's none of your business.

Dudley: We've won the International Good-Front-Lawn Award!! HAHAHA!

Harry: -pets Dudley- be a good piggy, Bill.

Dudley: uh…Dad, Harry's a little nutty again. Well at least WE won the good front lawn award and not him!!

Vernon: -looks extremely proud-

Harry: I thought we had a gardener, why are you so proud?

Gardener: hello!!

Petunia: err…well if you leave the house, I'll kill you!! –waves her car keys at him-

Harry: you're going to run me over with a car?

Petunia: I was thinking more like drive you over the edge of a cliff –cackles-

Harry: doesn't that mean you'll die too?

Dursley family: -looks suspicious-

Vernon: What do you mean…."die"? You're not planning anything…"funny" are you?

Petunia: We have to go!! We don't want to be late and miss all the fun!! –the Dudleys all leave-

Harry: - goes to his room- oh woe, oh woe. What a wretched existence!

Hedwig: shut up, at least you don't live in your own excrements. Oh wait…you do.

Harry: Oh yeah, I was meaning to clean that up.

---

Night falls in London, England. All is silent except…

Dark figure: OUCH!!

Harry: What! Who's there?!

Dark figure: oh, now you've gone and woken Harry.

Dark figure #2: What? Who's Harry?

Dark figure #3: that kid with the scar.

Dark figure #2: I have a scar!!! Look!! –unzips pants—

Dark figure #3: AUGH, NO, REMUS, PUT THAT AWAY!!!

Harry: Remus…Professor Lupin?

Lupin: Damn.

Tonks: Hello!

Moody: Hello!

Everyone else: Hello, Harry Potter!

Harry: I'm not Harry Potter.

Everyone else: …

Harry: Just kidding! I fooled you! –laughs and falls off his bed-

Tonks: THIS THING is destined to—

Lupin: SHHH!!! YOU'LL GIVE THE ENDING AWAY!!!

Tonks: Well I'm just trying to say that it's ridiculous that this kid who just fell off of his bed—not even a bed, it's a blanket on the floor, really, is destined to…

Lupin: Judo-CHOP! –smacks Tonks across the face-

Tonks: Oh that's it, you're going DOWN, WOLF BOY. Hiiieee-YAH! –kicks Lupin-

And so Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks, with her colorful hair, went at it for several hours.

Harry: -in the voice of Voldemort- JUST LEAVE ALREADY.

Moody: Alright then, let's get your things and go to headquarters.

Harry: head…quarters?

Moody: yeah, headquarters.

Harry: -is imagining a head made of quarters…er, I mean British pounds oh damn this joke doesn't really work-

Lupin: Do you want to take all your posters with you?

Harry: yep.

Lupin: Even this one? –holds up a Backstreet Boys poster-

Harry: ESPECIALLY that one. –looks extremely serious-

Sirius: -appears- I'm Sirius. Goodbye then! –disappears-

Harry: Ok, this is getting really weird. Let's go.

---

Tonks: Well that was quite the broom ride, wouldn't you say?

Harry: It was a bit cold.

Tonks: Probably because you're wearing nothing but a speedo.

Harry: -looks down- What! When did this happen?!

Lupin: You put it on. We told you to wear your coat and robe, but you insisted…

Harry: Oh yeah! I thought you said we were going to 12 Grimmo Beach.

Lupin: I don't think we ever said that, no.

Harry: Well why is Moody wearing a straw hat and a Hawaiian shirt?

Moody: I thought you said 12 Grimmo Beach, too…

Lupin: Moody, you know perfect well that 12 Grimmauld Place is headquarters for…

Harry: OH NO! –shrieks like a girl-

Lupin: What? What?

Harry: -points to the grass- 12 Grimmauld Place…it's GONE!! It must have been Voldemort!! Or even worse, DUDLEYMORT!! –shrieks and runs into 11 Grimmauld Place- HIDE ME!

Random person: Get out of my house, you retarded boy.

Harry: I'm not a boy, I'm a MAN.

Frodo: This is MY house. There's not enough room in 11 Grimmauld Place for the two of us.

Harry: Oh yeah? Well I'm not leaving.

Frodo: Yes you are.

Harry: -realizes he is walking out of the house- oh.

Frodo: Haha! Frodo wins again!

Harry: What are you doing in my story?

Frodo: Uh… AHHHHH –explodes-

Harry: Right then. –runs back to the gang-

Lupin: Where have you been?

Harry: I just killed Frodo.

Lupin: Who?

Harry: Oh just an old enemy.

Moody: Alright now how do we get into 12 Grimmauld place again?

Tonks: I forgot. Let's just keep digging until we find it.

And so the whole lot of them dug and dug and dug until…

Chinese man: Nihowma!

Lupin: Ah crap.

Harry: Look, up there! Hermione opened the door for us!!

Hermione: I can't believe you guys forgot the spell to make this door appear…

---

Harry: Wow! This house is wonderful! –stares at the goblin heads on the wall- WOW…

Mrs. Weasley: Oh Harry! You must be famished!

Harry: Yeah, I haven't eaten for two weeks and my stomach is starting to eat itself—

Mrs. Weasley: Well you'll just have to wait, we have meetings to get to.

Harry: Right then. Hello Sirius!

Sirius: HARRY!!!!!!!!!!

Harry: I've missed you! Let's just sit down and talk and…

Sirius: -walks away- Sorry, important Order of the Phoenix stuff.

Ron: Yeah, they're obsessed with getting rid of Voldemore and the Death Eaters or something like that.

Hermione: So Harry, how have you been?

Harry: My life has been miserable!! I got attacked by dementors, I've been having horrible dreams, I might be expelled from Hogwarts, I have a trial at the Ministry of Magic tomorrow, Uncle Vernon took my pet pig away from me and I haven't eaten or seen sunlight for two weeks!! And I think Voldemort is trying to kill me AGAIN!!

Ron: Wow, that sucks.

Hermione: I cut my finger on a stamp yesterday.

Ron: OH NO HERMIONE, ARE YOU OKAY? WE NEED TO GET YOU TO ST. MUNGO'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hermione: I think I'll be okay, but the doctor said I'll need plenty of rest.

Harry: Did you not hear my angsty teenage bitchings?! Listen to my whining! LIIIISTEN!!

Harry suddenly realized he should keep his temper at a low. He suddenly wanted to know what his friends had been doing without him in the most horrible summer of his entire existence.

Hermione: Oh you know, I've been working with SPEW and all that.

Ron: She makes little hats for elves.

Harry: Really? Did you get to see Santa?

Hermione: House elves.

Harry: Oh. –is disappointed- Yeah so I think Voldemort is going to be returning soon.

Ron: That's what they're discussing downstairs.

Fred and George: Let's have a listen!!

Ron: AGH Where did YOU come from?!

Fred and George: Um, you're in the living room. And we've been here the entire time.

Ginny: Yes let's use our Extendible Ears from upstairs!

Fred and George: I was thinking more like…sticking our faces against the door. –points to the door of the meeting room-

Ginny: It has metal spikes, poisonous spiders and angry little midgets with meat cleavers stuck on it though.

George: That's never stopped us before!

Harry: I should just ask if I could listen. After all, it's my right to listen, since I'm the one Voldemort is after. –walks up to Sirius, who is about to open the door-

Sirius: Hey again Harry.

Harry: Hey…I was wondering if I could listen in on your meeting.

Sirius: NO.

Harry: Are you serious?!

Sirius: No, I'm just joking.

Harry: OH COOL!! Let's go guys, Sirius said—

Sirius: No, like I told you, I'm Just Joking. I'm not Sirius.

Harry: I know! That's why we're going through the—

Sirius: No, I'm Just Joking. My name is Just Joking.

Harry: WHAT?! WHO ARE YOU, YOU IMPOSTOR?!

Just Joking: I'm Sirius's clone. He made me to keep him company. Well, now that you're hear, I guess he doesn't really need me anymore, eh? I guess I should just kill myself.

Harry: No, you're kidding, you can't kill yourself that's…

Ron: -runs up to Harry- who is this guy?

Just Joking: -to Harry- I'm Serious.

Ron: You're not Sirius.

Just Joking: I know, I'm Just Joking.

Ron: WHAT IS GOING ON?!

What will happen next to our heroes? Will the Dursleys ever figure out that there is no such thing as a Good Front Lawn Awards ceremony and their front lawn is actually a pile of steaming crap? Will Harry ever be relieved of his teenage angst? Will Hermione free all the house elves in the world? Who the hell is this "Just Joking" character? Is Voldemort REALLY coming after Harry? Will Harry be expelled from Hogwarts? Will he survive the Trial at the Ministry? Find out next time!!


End file.
